Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
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