Your dad touched me again.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I came so hard my ears popped.
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