i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
