Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I checked into jail on foursquare
areolas are like halos for boobs.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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