If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
