My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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