I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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