So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
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