The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
