guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Randomize
