I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
