I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
