Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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