This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Randomize
