I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
