Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
