What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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