A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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