I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
