why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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