you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
