this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
