I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Randomize
