My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
