Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
