So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
