Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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