I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
