my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Randomize
