just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
