i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Randomize
