This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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