Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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