There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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