good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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