I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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