dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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