do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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