Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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