Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
