You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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