I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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