so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Your cock deserves a montage
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
