I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
