Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
