I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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