If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
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