She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
