Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
