btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
