Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Randomize
